St Joseph the Worker

Today my wife and I celebrated our son's third feast day since being born by visiting his Godparents. 

There is something wonderful about remembering and celebrating one's saint's day. Joseph is especially blessed in having three feast days - including the Holy Family and of course the traditional St Joseph's Day on 19th March 

Although a modern innovation, the feast of St Joseph the Worker is a powerful reminder of how everything we do can be holy if offered for God. It also seems fitting that the month dedicated to Mary, starts with her husband, Joseph. 

St Joseph the worker, pray for us. 

Feast of the Holy Family

The Holy Family - One of the most beautiful feast days of the year and as well as a feast for every Christian family to celebrate, it is also one of the three patron all feast days of my son, Joseph.

I pray that I am given the grace to imitate Saint Joseph in his leadership, protection, care for and love for his wife and adopted Son. It never fails to amaze me that he was put in authority over the only two sinless human beings whoever lived, his wife and divine Son. 

May the Holy Family inspire us to love Christ and one another more and may all families be protected from all harm.

In the words of today's Lauds:

God our Father,

in the Holy Family of Nazareth

you have given us the true model of a Christian home.

Grant that by following Jesus, Mary and Joseph

in their love for each other and in the example of their family life,

we may come to your home of peace and joy.

Through our Lord Jesus Christ, your Son,

who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit,

one God, for ever and ever.

Amen.

Reflections on my son's baptism

My son has become a born again Christian in a Bible believing Church - that's right he was baptised in the older form of the Roman Rite as a Catholic at 22 days old. 

The anniversary of the date my son was baptised will always be a sacred day in my family. It was a wonderful coincidence that the Gospel reading at our traditional, Latin Mass on that day, the fourth Sunday in Advent, spoke of the baptism of John the Baptist and that the "O Antiphon" for the day was "O Rex Gentium" on the day he was adopted into Christ's Royal Family. 

I was reflecting on what message to share with him today and to remind him of every time this anniversary comes around:

"My son, my prayer for you is that as you grow you will seek Our Lord with your whole mind, heart and soul and commit your life to Him and love His Church. May you gradually understand what Christ did for you on the cross and respond by being gracious, forgiving others and accepting forgiveness when you fall.  Your mother and I love you very much and we always will but His love is so much greater. Trust in Christ and allow Him to transform you daily. Amen"

I pray that he will always treasure Christ as St Joseph treasured Him and will love the Blessed Virgin Mary too as his patron did and still does.  My prayer that he will always love the Catholic Church, His bride for whom He gave up His life. Please say a quick prayer for my son and for my family at this most joyful time. 

Dads' Advice on Fatherhood: Part 7 - Authenticity

The many different fathers I spoke to about fatherhood shared so many different  pieces of advice with me but some also made it clear that they themselves have often failed to live up to their own advice.

"I realise the importance of prayer but to be honest, I've sometimes been too lazy or not been organised with my time." 

"It's so important to set a good example but my sons have seen me miserable, short tempered, use foul language and speak disrespectfully to their mother."

Authenticity doesn't mean that we make mistakes and think that this is acceptable but it does mean recognising these and of course asking forgiveness.  Catholics and Orthodox Christians have the Sacrament of Reconciliation but in addition to seeking God's forgiveness and that of our wives, a number of fathers said that there may be times when we need to apologise to our children.

"I mentioned example to you earlier but sometimes you will fail - when you do, do not hesitate to admit this and apologise.  They will learn to be authentic when you are."

"Try your best, with God's grace ... It is much easier than done, and I fail many times as well.  But the rewards I get from loving my wife and kids without condition is what drives everything in me."

I have mentioned Father Larry Richards before and do so again as his encouragement to men is so powerful - he states that we should recognise that we will never be the fathers our children need but only God is their true Father - we should recognise our shortcomings, strive to the best men we can be and apologise every time we fall.

Dads' Advice on Fatherhood: Part 6 - Discipline

A number of the fathers whom I spoke to about fatherhood spoke of the importance of setting boundaries and of discipline.

One father said that he doesn't have too many rules but he makes sure that both he and his wife enforce the ones they do have.  He was saying that children may play one parent off against the other but be firm and consistent.

One father wrote, "The trick is "not to spare the rod" not that I'm implying to hit them but be very careful not to pamper them as this will have severe consequences down the line."

A consensus seemed to be that if a father doesn't act like a man and firmly but gently discipline his children then it will make things very difficult for their wives who will then end up making up for this and perhaps overacting.

One father said that one of the biggest problems in society today is that men don't know how to be men - we live in a society where fathers are emasculated and instead of being the leaders that they are divinely called to be, they end up being passive and silent.

A friend said to me that when he saw his son hitting his mother he made it very clear that this is wrong - he didn't mind his child hitting him but he wanted his son to know from a very early age that women should be treated differently and with great respect.

Although it is perhaps common sense, some fathers said that part of the discipline of disciplining children is to be realistic - not to threaten over the top punishments then back down and not to give in every time.  He said, "Your son will push the boundaries, but if he's anything like my sons, he'll deep down want to know where the line is and to have the comfort of know what is and what isn't acceptable.

Two of the fathers emphasised that in disciplining children we have to avoid using abusive language and hurtful words - to get the right balance between criticising bad behaviour whilst affirming the child.  A friend also said, "For every criticism, give five words of affirmation."

Incidentally there is a good article on discipline at the excellent, Fathers for Good website. 

Dads' Advice on Fatherhood - Part 4: Pray with them

In addition to praying for our children, fathers I spoke to emphasised the importance of taking time to pray with them both as a family and as a wider community (at church).

"Always say your prayers together as a family.  After that it is all in God's hands." 

"Keep going to Mass with him.   If he's anything like my kids, he might get bored and rebel a bit. We always made our kids go, and now they like going.....which is good!"

"Pray WITH your son before and after he is old enough to understand."  "You two should pray together and also with your wife."  "A boy should know from an early age that real men pray and to experience this."

"When you pray with your son be real.  Don't use baby language - this is serious and vital for him to learn at an early age." 

"Pray with him daily and together seek God's will for him in his life." 

"As father and head of the family, lead the family in the daily family Rosary-the family that prays together stays together."

"Pray with him morning and night and read to him everyday from the Word."

"Pray with your son every day even before he's born. It’s not too early! This is not just for him, but also for you and your wife. Get into the habit. It needn’t be long, but it should be regular. And consistent. When they get older, make it a habit. Pray before every meal. Pray the rosary with the family, and supplement it with spontaneous prayer as well."

Dads' Advice on Fatherhood - Part 2: Unconditional Love

The second most common piece of advice I got when I asked fathers I admire for advice was the importance of unconditional love.

We might have various dreams and ideas as to how we would like our children to grow up and they might rebel and reject what we hold dear but again and again I was advised to reassure my son of my unconditional love on a regular basis.

One friend of mine said, "Show your son you love him by hugging him and reassuring him daily." 

Another shared a list of practical ways to show our love for our children:

• Tell him you love him, every day. 
• Don't publicly humiliate or criticize him. 
• Be understanding when he makes a mistake.
• Control your anger. 
• Don't hit him or be verbally abusive.  
• I have found that it is possible to discuss with children right and wrong behaviour. He will often choose to do what is right once he understands. 
• Be patient with him when he makes the same mistake again.  
• Don't compare him to others. 
• Leave work early to attend and support his participation in an event. 

One father shared that even as his children grew older he felt that it was just as important to reassure his children - and that he would do so personally to each one and not just to them all as a group.  He said that he felt it important to do so privately but also on public occasions such as 21st birthday parties and weddings.  He said that he will make it clear that whatever choices they make in life they will always be welcome at his home.  "It is so important that the children fully know and realise how much they are individually loved - not just as a group - and that they know ,and realise how much you both love each other and the tremendous implications of that love in every " thought, word and deed"- that they know that love gives and doesn't just receive  - that love is not about me but about the other."

Another father also said, "Love him unconditionally, guide him to his God given talents and rejoice when he rejoices, Love him unconditionally even if his choices are not your choices ... Tell him he is measures up, boys just want to be reassured they have done well in their dad's eyes."

One of my brothers made a similar point, "Be proud of your son and make sure he knows that.  Don't assume that he knows how you feel just because its obvious to you.  Boys ... aren't always perceptive and need reassurances!"
Ironically, one person who underlies this point more than anyone else is actually a celibate priest.  Father Larry Richards, an American pastor and founder of the Reason for Our Hope Foundation makes this point very strongly in a speech he gave to men.  In the last ten minutes of this video (see from 50 minutes onwards he hammers this point home in the strongest possible language.  He says that fathers who can't tell their children that they love them (without judging them) are a bunch of wimps, not real men and should be ashamed of themselves.

Finally what struck me more than anything else is what one friend shared: "If a boy doesn't hear from his father that he is loved and that he measures up - he will look for acceptance in all the wrong places.  Be man enough to give your son this reassurance - or face the consequences."

Dads' Advice on Fatherhood - Part 1: Protect your marriage

I mentioned previously that I had asked a dozen fathers what their advice was for me as a new Dad.  The number one comment I received was that when you have children you should protect your marriage.

One friend said, "Make sure you have a strong marriage.  Don't neglect your wife because of the new addition ... ". One of my brothers reminded me to look after and cherish my wife as much as the baby and that the best gift I can give him is a happy, secure and loving family. 

Some people saw a strong correlation between protecting the marriage with setting a good example: "Love his Mum with all your heart. Know that He will learn how to treat a woman and how to be a husband by your behavior. Parents will sometimes disagree. Most stuff isn't really important. Know the difference and don't argue with your wife in front of your son."

One of my brothers advised me: "Look after and cherish your wife as much as your baby. One of the greatest gifts you can give your son is a happy, secure and loving family.  Always remember what (your wife) has given you and be there for her always."
 

It surprised me how some people said that I should actually make my wife a priority over and above my child. This is perhaps more about redressing the balance and being mindful of the importance of protecting marriage. 

One father said: "I cant emphasise enough that your marriage comes first, it comes before the kids – your marriage existed before your son and will live on long after your son has moved away from home – so make your wife your priority – not your son – a mistake many people make – but God calls you to love your wife as Christ loved the church (a scripture that is a hard one to live out on a daily basis – but critical for a strong marriage).  And from a physiological standpoint, the happiest children are the ones that know their parents' marriage is secure.  So be sure to keep things like going on dates as part of your marriage tradition - this is the first – and probably most important – piece of advice for a new father – as it is the opposite of what most people tend to do."

Although it seems counter intuitive to me, yet another friend said, "I have three pieces of advice about being a dad, love your son more than you love your self, love your wife more than you love your son and love God more than you love your wife." 

In my view it may not be helpful ranking ones child or wife in terms of which is more important but the message I received loud and clear is - when we're new to being a father, let's not forget to honour, protect and love our wives.

On the subject of protecting marriage, I would recommend that any man reads this excellent article on Michael Hyatt's blog on leadership entitled: What are you doing to protect your marriage?

Marriage and leadership

I'm sitting on a plane about to take off for a business trip to Shanghai, missing my wife and unborn baby boy and reflecting in what it means to be married. 

As a husband, I am called to be a leader, in the same way in which Christ loves His Church. 

I feel especially blessed - but also challenged - that my wife realises that as her husband I am the spiritual head of our family - what does this really mean?

Christ lived as a servant to all and gave His life in sacrificial love for His Church. He prayed for His people and washed their feet. He guides us in truth and in love. 

As married men, we need to examine our consciences more thoroughly - have we been servant leaders in our families? Have we taken a lead in praying together as a family and not just go to Mass on Sundays? Have we remembered to clean up, take the rubbish out, pray for our wives and children?

Please pray that I may deepen my relationship with Christ and so love as serve my family more.